


Within Her Breast But Only Sleeping

by ambiguously



Category: Star Wars: Resistance (Cartoon)
Genre: Disaster Lesbians Gonna Disaster, Episode Tag, F/F, Getting Back Together, Post-Episode: s02e18 The Escape, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 10:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/pseuds/ambiguously
Summary: Tam is home, but forgiveness is hard.
Relationships: Tamara Ryvora/Synara San
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20
Collections: The Gay Awakens





	Within Her Breast But Only Sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [But It's As Real As the Feelings I Feel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16667815)

Tam would never describe herself as giddy, but the fluttering warmth inside her as her old friends and colleagues from the _Colossus_ visited her to welcome her back came close. She'd expected anger and distrust, not pats on the back and well-wishes. She supposed it helped her homecoming that she'd aided in destroying the Star Destroyer that had been chasing them for so long. "It's good to be home," she said, over and over.

"It's good to have you home," said Torra, who grunted as she was shoved out of the way by Hype.

"It's about time you got back here!" Tam tensed, but Hype threw his arms around her and lifted her up. "I told everyone you weren't really one of those First Order sleemos!"

"No, you didn't," said Kaz. "I said that."

"Well," Hype said, setting her down and rubbing his head awkwardly. "I would have said it."

"He says a lot of things." Tam turned to see Griff. She'd always noticed and ignored his gear, the remnants of his old Empire uniform. The way he looked at her now, not saying much, asked if she was planning on keeping her own black uniform as a reminder.

"I should go change," she said, and she caught Griff's quick, understanding nod. She asked Yeager, "Did you clean out my old bunk?"

Neeku said, "Of course not, Tam! Kaz and I knew you would be back. We left your bunk exactly as you left it: a big mess."

"Thanks, Neeku."

With one more round of celebratory greetings, Tam made her way out of Aunt Z's and followed the rest of Team _Fireball_ back to Yeager's garage. She couldn't help but glance around herself as they walked. There were more waves and hellos, but not every face appeared that she was expecting. "So," she asked as casually as she could. "Did anyone leave the _Colossus_ while I was gone?" She couldn't bear asking if anyone had died. That was too.... No.

"Many people have come and gone," said Neeku, counting on his fingers. "Kragan and his pirate crew were among us for some time, but they have gone. My friend B1 and his battle droids were also among us but sadly they were deactivated when we fought the Aeosians. Flix and Orka have said they may be able to procure parts to repair him now we are free of our pursuers."

Tam let Neeku's chatter wash over her, as she always did. Of all of them, Neeku appeared to have changed the least, and she was glad. He'd been her friend for years and she loved him exactly as he was. A shiver passed through her as she thought she very nearly had lost him and the rest of her friends forever.

She rewound part of what he'd said. "The pirates left?"

Yeager said, "They tried to mutiny and almost took over the ship. Captain Doza banished them."

Kaz caught her eye. "Except Synara. She's still on board. She sided with us during the mutiny."

"Oh. Well. That's good." Synara was aboard the station but she hadn't come to Aunt Z's. She wasn't coming by in the corridors. As they entered the garage, and Tam cast another happy look over her home, she couldn't help but notice Synara wasn't waiting here, either.

"I'll just go get my things and change," said Tam, with the strong hint to the boys that they didn't need to follow.

Alone for the first time, Tam let out a deep sigh. She had a feeling she would never completely let go of the guilty feeling nibbling at her guts. She had turned her back on her friends. She had joined the enemy chasing them. She'd led an attack that had resulted in the deaths of people those friends had been trying to protect and even if she hadn't been the one to take the shot, she shared in the responsibility for not stopping Rucklin before he did. Her friends might have forgiven her. Forgiving herself would take a lifetime.

Her eyes fell on her crate of holos. Before Synara had left so abruptly, they had watched their way through about half of them. She pulled one out now, a romantic film set during the Clone Wars about two lovers on opposite sides. They'd watched that one together several times.

They hadn't been dates. Tam had told herself that later, when she'd lain in her First Order bunk trying not to wonder what Synara was up to, where she'd gone. The two of them had spent time together. They'd taken meals together and watched holos together. Sometimes they'd kissed. But it had meant nothing, Tam had told herself after Synara had fled the station, and told herself again during the long nights after she'd joined the First Order. She had pushed all her regrets away.

She was home now, and it turned out all those regrets were waiting for her.

She considered airlocking the black uniform. Remembering the question on Griff's face, she left it for now. This wasn't a part of her past she should allow herself to forget.

Her old clothes that she'd worn as she'd walked away before had been vaporized with the Star Destroyer, but she had a few spare changes of clothes. Tam hadn't realized how much she felt like herself until she buttoned up her work top.

She stepped out to the main garage, where the others were already back at work on the _Fireball_ and the other ships that had landed here after the battle. Tam walked over to Yeager, her hands in her pockets. "I don't suppose you need another mechanic?"

His face broke into a tender smile. "Get your hydrospanner and go work on Venisa's X-wing."

"Will do," she said, and all right, she did feel a little giddy as she grabbed her tools.

"Now it is just like old times," said Neeku, and Kaz laughed.

* * *

With the _Colossus_ no longer a floating platform, the divisions between the Aces and higher ups on the Tower and the rest of them seemed to have evaporated. She'd always known Yeager and Captain Doza were good friends, but she was astonished to realize Yeager was second in command of the entire station, spending as much of his time up in the Command Deck as he did working in his own repair shop.

"It's so different," she said, walking with Neeku and Kaz along the marketplace with its false sky. "Everything looks the same, but none of it is."

Kaz said, "I guess we're all used to it by now. Do you like the sky? Neeku rigged it up."

Neeku clutched his hands together and danced back and forth between his feet excitedly. "That is right! You have not seen my sky before." He giggled and hurried over to a panel, flipping it open and pressing some switches. Overhead, the sky went cloudy and rumbled with thunder. He pressed more buttons, and the clouds cleared, rainbows glinting in the pretend sunlight.

"That's amazing, Neeku," Tam said, staring over her head.

"I thought it would give everyone something nice to look at while we drifted through the cold, dark void of endless space."

Tam grinned at the bright colors. "It is nice." She noticed motion, and turned her head to see Synara standing in an open doorway. Before she could think of what to say, Synara folded her arms and walked away from her through the door. Her insides went to water, and for a moment, she found it hard to breathe. Without a word, Synara had told her exactly what she thought about Tam's return.

She looked up at the sky again, clearing her throat. "It's really beautiful, Neeku." She didn't feel the same joy looking at it now.

* * *

Kaz had always driven her up the wall, first by barging in to her life, with his clumsiness and his obvious inability to perform the job he'd ostensibly been hired to do, and with his secretiveness as he went about spying on everyone. She appreciated that he hadn't given up on her, even after everything, but he was still not her favorite person. Oil and water, her dad had always said.

But Kaz was good friends with Synara, and she needed to talk to someone. After they all ate dinner together, she asked him to show her how to repair the thrust coil on the X-wing. "This is great," Kaz said with a big smile. "I'm finally showing you how to fix something."

"Yeah," she said, waiting until they were out of earshot of the others. "You have to use the inverse flange. I know how to fix the coil. I wanted to talk to you." She tried to stay calm and unemotional even as she felt the muscles on her face contract into a sad smile. "About Synara."

"Oh. Okay." He pick up his comlink. "Do you want me to ask her to come to the shop?"

"No!" Tam waved her hands to stop him. "Don't call her. I want to ask you about her. How's she been? You said she sided with the _Colossus_ against the other pirates. That had to be hard on her. Is she all right?"

Kaz held his comlink. "It'd be a lot easier for you to ask her yourself."

"Yeah, well, I don't think she wants to talk to me right now."

Kaz made a sympathetic face. "You might be onto something there. Synara doesn't hate you, but yes, she's not happy. The way she sees it, she made the choice to put the needs of the _Colossus_ over the needs of her old friends, and you chose to put your own needs above the _Colossus_." He didn't add "And her," but Tam heard him loud and clear.

She took a long breath. "I did. And that was wrong. I thought I was making the right choice, that you and Yeager had lied to me and betrayed me." She looked at him. "And you did both lie." Before he could reply, she said, "And I suppose I understand why you did. You had secrets to protect, and you didn't trust me to keep them, and I didn't give you any reason to."

"It's all in the past," said Kaz with a firm pat on her shoulder. "You forgive me, and I forgive you."

"Synara doesn't forgive me, though."

"No," said a voice behind her. Tam turned, as Synara approached them, her face stern. In her hand, she held a comlink.

Tam spun back to Kaz. "You opened the line to her?"

He held up his arms protectively. "I thought you wanted me to call her for you."

Synara reached them, and closed her comlink. "Kaz, is there somewhere else you could go?"

"I guess I could...."

"Go there."

"Right." He waved at Tam and walked off, hurrying his pace when he saw Synara glare at him.

"You don't have to be angry at Kaz."

"I'm not angry at Kaz. I know exactly who I'm angry at." With him gone, Synara's face went from stern to storming like Neeku's fake sky. Tam couldn't help but step back. She wanted to defend herself, to strike back in equal anger. But Synara deserved better.

"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."

"You left!" The words came out in a savage whisper that slapped harder than a shout. "You joined them!"

"I know. I should never have gone with them. I'm so sorry."

"'Sorry' doesn't help." Now that she was finally expressing herself, Synara radiated fury. "'Sorry' is what fools say to other fools."

Tam dropped her hands to her sides. "It's all I have. I can't undo the past. If I could, I never would have gone with them."

"No one can undo the past. If it was possible, there are many things we would never have done." She turned from Tam and walked away.

Tam said to her back. "I wouldn't undo one minute I spent with you."

Synara stopped and tilted her head. "That's one of us." She kept walking.

Tam stayed where she was, hidden from her friends by the X-wing. This was fine. This was what she deserved. All her friends should be as unwilling to forgive her as Synara was.

She wondered if it would hurt so much if it had been anyone else.

* * *

Without the First Order's immediate interest on them, they no longer had to keep running. To her surprise, Tam was permitted on the Command Deck as the Dozas and Yeager discussed their options. Some of Commander Doza's people were there, too, along with Kaz, all of them pressing for the _Colossus_ to join up with the Resistance.

"We've seen how important it is," Kaz said. "We can't just sit by, not when the _Colossus_ could be a valuable asset to the Resistance fleet."

Commander Doza said, "We could use a refueling station. Our ships are stretched pretty thin, and we haven't had any capital ships since we lost them right after D'Qar."

Tam had heard some of those reports. The First Order had hounded the Resistance from their base, cutting down their commanders, their ships, and finally most of their people during a brief siege on an old Rebellion outpost. By the sound of it, the Resistance could have been finished off by one lucky TIE fighter and only a lucky few had escaped.

Captain Doza said, "I still believe it is too dangerous. The only military presence we have on board is in this room. The rest of the crew are civilians, some of them with families. You're asking me to take them into a potential war zone right after we escaped the last one."

"They're ready to fight," said Yeager. "You told me how they all threw in to help us. I don't think anyone here is uninvolved now. The First Order will have us all marked as enemies." He looked at Captain Doza. "It's your decision to make, but I think we have a better chance fighting with the rest of the Resistance at our side than we do alone."

Tam remained silent. She wanted to tell them how valuable the refueling stations had been to the First Order. She wanted to suggest they infiltrate the Titan, and seize or destroy it. She wanted to say she was sure the rest of the Resistance wouldn't be as happy with her change of heart as her friends had been and there was a good chance they'd have her killed as a safety measure. She wanted to say again how sorry she was.

Kaz nudged her shoulder. "You know how bad the First Order is. The _Colossus_ would be really helpful to the Resistance, right?"

"I'm sure it could." She thought about what she'd been told. "Commander, the First Order said the Resistance fleet was almost wiped out right after the Starkiller attack. Does it have enough ships to need a refueling station?" She could tell they weren't following. "What I mean is, if the Resistance doesn't have a lot of ships constantly in need of fuel, we'd be better off following the same pattern the First Order did, and hiding the station in a nearby system. Ships could come and go, but we wouldn't be right beside the Resistance base in case of trouble."

Her heart raced. She'd said too much. They were going to dismiss her idea as a ploy to make them more vulnerable.

"That's a good suggestion," said Captain Doza. "Let's talk about it." He glanced at his wife and Yeager, then said, "Thank you all for coming to this meeting. We'll let you know what we decide."

As they left, Neeku said, "That was an excellent idea, Tam! I am so glad you are back."

"Hey," said Kaz. "We all had ideas."

"Yes," Neeku replied, "but Tam's idea was a good one."

Tam snickered. She'd missed this more than she'd thought. Happiness flooded her. They headed down to the lower levels, passing down the corridor where Torra lived. Tam remembered spending time with her friends there, playing Drone-Blaster on Torra's console. Synara had been with them, easily beating the rest of them. She'd been hiding her own secrets back then, and Tam had never known.

She'd lied, too.

Tam gave Neeku and Kaz a quick, fake smile. "I forgot something. I'll meet you both back at the repair shop."

"We can go back with you," Kaz said, a little quickly, and Neeku nodded his agreement.

Tam stopped short. She hadn't really been alone since her return. "Are you two supposed to be watching me?"

"Us?" Kaz laughed nervously. "Of course not. Watch you. Ha."

Neeku laughed in his creaky fashion. "That would be hilarious, us watching you."

"All right," she said, arms folded. "I believe Neeku. So why don't I believe you, Kaz?"

"We're not watching you, I swear!" The nervousness continued. "Yeager and Doza just thought it might make everyone feel better if you weren't alone for a while." At her rising ire, he held out his hands. "It's not about you! I mean, it is about you. They trust you, really they do. It's the other people here. They'll feel better knowing you're not wandering the station."

"Because I might turn on them again and sabotage it?"

Neeku said, "You would never do that. We know you would not."

"But they don't know," said Kaz. He saw her face. "Sorry."

"No, it's all right. I guess I haven't earned back everyone's trust, and I won't for a long time."

"You've got mine," Kaz said.

"Mine as well," said Neeku. "But to make sure, perhaps we should accompany you back to the Command Deck."

"I wasn't going back to the Command Deck." Neeku looked confused. Kaz frowned. Tam sighed. She had their trust, and she needed to keep earning that trust. "I was making an excuse. I want to go talk to Synara again."

Kaz's face made a sweet, sad expression. "You know what? It's no one else's business where you go on the _Colossus_. This is your home. Tell Synara we said hi."

Tam bit her lips. "Thanks."

* * *

Synara's quarters were in the deep underbelly of the station. Tam had come here several times with her. They had watched holofilms here, and eaten bad food bought from the marketplace here, and held hands as they'd fallen asleep together. Tam's lips still tingled with the memory of kisses. They hadn't gone further than that. Synara had been a little stand-offish back then, needing her own space. She'd been in contact with Kragan then, spying on the _Colossus_. Everyone seemed to have been a spy except Tam, who'd been a traitor instead.

The door opened at the first chime. Synara sat on the soft pad she used as a bunk. Her room had been decorated since the last time Tam had been here. A few hand-drawn pictures hung on the dull walls. Some flowers, carefully dried, sat in a cup that served as a pretty vase.

"Hi," said Tam.

"What do you want?"

"To talk. I understand why you're angry. I've been there. When you came aboard, you lied to all of us, and spied on us. When you were running from the First Order, you left without saying goodbye. I wondered what I did to drive you off and I was angry that you left me alone." She took a gulp of air. "And you're mad because I did the same thing."

Synara didn't reply. She gestured, allowing Tam to enter. The door slid closed behind her.

"I left because I had to. If the First Order had caught me, they would have executed me."

"Yes," said Tam. "I know they would have. That's what they do."

"And you went with them, knowing that."

"I didn't know all of it. I didn't even know most of it." She took in another breath, this one harder. "They didn't tell the new recruits about the Hosnian system, not for weeks. And when they did, they spun it as a defensive strike. They lied about everything. The one thing I hate more than anything is being lied to."

"I hate betrayal most."

They watched each other. This had been a bad idea. Tam should go, and leave Synara alone to live her life. "Look, you don't want to hear me say I'm sorry. I won't say it again. All I wanted to say is, I forgive you for leaving. I know why you did. It's all right if you don't forgive me back. I don't think I can forgive myself, either."

She turned to leave, reaching for the button to open the door.

"I missed you so much," Synara said. "I had to run, and I wanted to tell you. I knew if I did, I'd stay here, and I'd be killed. I returned when I found out the _Colossus_ was under attack. I thought you were in deadly danger. But you weren't. You were already gone. I missed my chance to tell you I was sorry."

"You say 'sorry' is a word for fools."

She sighed. "I don't enjoy feeling like a fool."

"I missed you, too."

Again they watched one another. Synara said, "I bought a holofilm when the marketplace still had them in stock. We could watch it if you want."

Tam pondered this peace offering. The first time they'd watched a holo together, Synara had talked about courting her. Neither of them was ready to go back to that place. They might never get back there. But like Neeku had said, things felt like old times. In the too few old times they'd spent together, Tam had been happy.

"What's it about?"

"It's the true story of an adventuring archaeologist during the Galactic Civil War. I say 'true.' Much of it seems embellished. I seriously doubt she met everyone of interest back in the war. I think the romance part might not be fictional."

"Another romantic holo?" Tam teased her.

"You like romantic holos. The archaeologist falls in love with an Imperial, who later defects to the Rebellion. The archaeologist betrays her several times, but Tolvan keeps coming back. People do foolish things for love." Synara's face was often difficult to read, but her smile was genuine.

Tam settled next to her on the soft bunk as she pulled up the holoplayer. It wasn't a date. They weren't courting again. They were simply two friends enjoying a film together. Whatever would happen in their future was a question for later.

As the opening played, Tam asked, "Does it have a happy ending?"

"Let's find out."

end


End file.
